TRANSCRIPTION
Joe Crummey
Welcome to our Christ Central Church Fredericton podcast… our first one! And so we're excited to be able to talk to Emma today. Really the whole context of our podcasts is that we just want to share some stories of what God's been doing in the lives of people in our church. My name is Joe Crummey. And I'm going to be helping facilitate today and I just want to welcome and introduce Emma Bicknell. Emma, welcome. Why don't you just share a bit of your story, a bit of your background to get started?
Emma Bicknell
Well, I grew up in England. Joe I could tell her might have been a different accent. Emma Yes, I grew up in England, in Norfolk, in a really small village, with my parents and my sisters. And I lived we lived in Hevingham, a much smaller village until I was about 11. And then we moved to a slightly bigger town.
Joe
All right. And how did you end up to Canada? When did you come? And how did you end up in Fredericton?
Emma
We came to Canada in 2010. So I grew up in Norfolk, but then moved down south. I went to university in London, I got married, and we lived in in Lansing on the south coast, which is quite near to Brighton. We went to a church in Worthing down there, which is connected with the Newfrontiers family of churches. And that's how we heard about Fredericton. And through quite a few years process of feeling God calling us to Canada, we we ended up here in 2010.
Joe
Here you are 11 years later, hard to believe, isn't it? Well, amazing how you've ended up here and well over a decade has gone by. Selfishly, we're thrilled that you're here in Fredericton, and Canada. Today we're going to talk about really an important subject and topic and one that might be maybe not so comfortable to talk about, and that has to do with eating disorders. So I just want to thank you in advance for being honest today and just sharing a bit of your story, and hopefully it might bring some help to others today. So why don't you just if you don't mind to share a little bit of your story and a little bit of your background. How how did things develop? And then how did you get some help, but we'll just start first with a bit of your story.
Emma
Well, growing up I loved food. I love food. I have memories of big family weddings, and buffets and you always come away feeling sick because having so much.
Joe
Yes. We understand!
Emma
A bit of background too is that my family was a Christian family. It was all I was brought up believing: God, going to Sunday school. But it wasn't until I was 11 and we went to a Bible week called Spring Harvest the UK. And it was that week, March 1983, when I gave my life to Jesus, and that's a very clear memory. So that's when I was saved. But as often happens in teenage years, there were two things going on. There was my church life, my Christian life, but there was also part which was a bit of a tangle.
There were lots of things that contributed, I think, to me developing an eating disorder. I found some things out about my family that I didn't know before that I found very hard to reconcile, hard to adjust to that that reality. I felt rejection from friends at various points as, as often people do, especially in their teenage years. The transition to England high school is at age 11/12, much younger than here. You’re in high school from 11 to 16 years, and then sixth form college from 16 to 18. And when I was in high school, I went from a really little Primary School Elementary. Elementary is where I was smart, I was top dog, and I won the school prize every year… then I went to a high school where I was not the centre of attention.
Joe
The context changed.
Emma
And I think I started high school really trying to make my mark and I was really, really very outspoken about my faith. I wore an I love Jesus badge. I was very loud about it. And I think I managed to scare several of my friends into the kingdom of God by telling them that they would go to hell if they didn't give their lives to Jesus. But, you know, that doesn’t stick for very long, you know, that approach. But anyway, yeah, so I wasn't the most popular. But I didn't mind that. I was prepared for not everyone to accept Jesus or everyone to accept me. But as time went on, lots of things…I’m a perfectionist, I like to do well, and that's a that's very common for people with eating disorders. It wasn’t, one day I didn't have an eating disorder and then one day I did. It was very gradual, I gave up something for Lent one year when I was about 14… never ate it again. And I just found it was something I could control. So kind of partly consciously, partly subconsciously, I just started to restrict what I was eating.
Joe
So just a quick review. Following Jesus at a young age, a lot of change, through teenage years, a lot of things going on all at one time, some family things, different dynamics in school, and even starting out with something good, giving up something for Lent, even that, even though it was for good started a bit down of a road. When we're talking about eating disorders, there's different types. We have anorexia, bulimia, and different depths of what can people can get into things. Can you maybe just share a little bit what was specific to you, were there other triggers, things that you now realize, contributed to going down this path?
Emma
Well, I remember once, and it was had a we went to a Methodist Church at the time. And I can't remember how old I was maybe around 10 to 12, somewhere around that. And I was taking this something from this buffet table. It was a celebration after a christening or something like that. And I took some trifle and you know how you put a spoon in and sometimes you just get far more than you want. And that's what happened there and I had it on my plate. And I walked past someone, I can't even remember who it was in the church, but they said, “Look how much that girl has put on her plate!” And it just stuck. It really stuck in my head, that one little comment. Forever after, when I went to anything, I was super conscious of what I was taking because I did not want to look greedy. So just that little comment just stuck. That was a little trigger that kept replaying in my mind and made me very conscious in future whenever there was a social event, not to appear to be taking too much. But then it got really bad for me, because it wasn't so bad through those high school years, I was just gradually restricting. But then from 16 to 18, it really got more out of control. Though I thought I was controlling it, it was controlling me. My thoughts. It just dictated my whole daily life from when I got up in the morning to what I was doing, my routine. I was thinking about that whole cycle of restricting. And if I broke the rules, my rules…
Joe
So that was going to be my next question or comment. Emma, can you just expand a little bit upon that. Because sometimes it's a hybrid of all these things, but sometimes there can be different root issues, body image, and we're concerned about how other people look at us or how we look. But then there's issues of control. What what were some of the driving factors that really caused you to kind of be crippled by this disorder?
Emma
Well, what people thought of me… I wanted to be liked, like any teenager. I wanted to be liked, I wanted to be successful, I wanted to be popular. And when those things don't happen, then you're just [asking] “how do I change?”. That was all tangled up in the mess. But then there were relationships, friendships, that went wrong, caught me off guard and some unhelpful relationships. I had friendships that were not great for me. And then I felt rejected… I had a bad body image. I never, I never ever thought of myself as pretty from when I was very young. I don't know why that was. Because I was always brought up to say, I could do anything, but I never saw myself as attractive. Ever. So I had that, like wrong kind of thinking, anyway.
Joe
Many things we wrestle through, not just teenagers.
Emma
No, not just teenagers. I know, that can happen throughout your life.
Joe
Before we get to sort of turn in the corner of how did things change, can you paint a picture of what what was a day like, sort of at its worst, as you said, things kind of got gradually worse from age 14, but maybe the worst was ages 16-18 or beyond. Take us through a day, how serious was this affecting your life?
Emma
A day was, I would get up early, really early. Because I'd have to read my Bible, exercise, and practice my clarinet before I went out the door to get the bus to go to sixth form college. And if I didn't do those things in… the day wouldn't go right. In my head. The day wouldn't go right if I didn't get all those things done before I got out the door. And so then I either inevitably head out the door not having had time for breakfast. Deliberately. Maybe grab an apple from the fridge type of thing. And then at Sixth Form college, you know, hanging out with my friends and do all that stuff. But wherever food was concerned, I would be avoiding. I'd be working, very happy to provide food for other people.
Joe
There’s irony in that isn’t there?
Emma
But I think that's a common thing. that then for me, I went to do everything to avoid it in social situations.
Joe
Did anyone else pick up on these things?
Emma
Well, I'm sure they did. I'm sure my friends noticed. Although I can't remember anyone asking me
Joe
So no one approached you or brought this up or showed concern?
Emma
Not My friends, and not my teachers. Although I know that one of my English teachers did because one of the effects of being so mentally unwell was that everything stressed me out. Schoolwork just completely stressed out and I kind of nearly had a breakdown when we were doing our mock exams just before the end, I just flunked them. I couldn't think I couldn't concentrate. And then one of my teachers said, “Is it worth it Emma? You don't have to go to university, you don't have to…” And I think she was trying to reach out and say, “I can see you're struggling.” She was trying to show that. But you know, it didn't really go anywhere. And I know my parents noticed.
Joe
They must have been concerned?
Emma
They were, yeah, but maybe just didn't know what to do, how to approach things. So I can't remember having a conversation about that until I finished my school. I did get through my A Levels. That summer, well, I changed things because I was going to go to university, I should say… back up a little bit.
Because whilst all this was going on, I was still involved in church life. And I was baptized when I was 15. I was involved in youth group, I had great youth leaders who were in the house all the time, you know, the kitchen talks, there's lots of teenage stuff going on. And at the time, when things were really bad, I helped to lead an 11 to 14 youth group. And it's crazy how you can live a double life. You can cover up so much.
Joe
We can do it in so many different ways. With so many different issues and problems.
Emma
I was helping to lead the 11 to 14’s… and, and I was really not very well.
Joe
So Emma thanks again, just for your honesty and for sharing your story with us. So begin to tell us, how did things begin to change? How did this begin to change so that this didn’t, in a sense, ruin your life?
Emma
Well, because I had got that stressed with exams, I decided to defer my university for a year. And instead do a year team in the UK. At the time, you could do your team with another church and I applied to one.
Joe So just a year team to serve a church?
Emma
Yeah, and it was the church in Lansing where I ended up after in university as well. So I was going to serve the church for a year with a team of five others. And so that was due to start in September or October after I did my A level exams. But I was ill… and I don't know how I got through the interview for it or anything. I just don't know how. On the way back from the interview, the pastor of the church drove us down to London to have the interviews and then on the drive back we were in a roadside cafe and he offered to buy lunch. And I can remember, I was in a complete panic staring at the menu I because this is the kind of…
Joe Yeah, that would be a very uncomfortable situation for you.
Emma
So I'm trying to find the one with the least ever. And he said, “I'll just choose for you”. But anyway, so I remember that. Then as time went on, I've done my exams, and this is sort of all coming up. And after I finished my exams, my mom dragged… dragged me to the doctor. And I mean drag, dragged me kicking and screaming to see the doctor and she came in with me to the office. And I stared out the window and I did not say a word. And he was saying “Emma if you carry on like this, do you realize you're gonna die?” You know, he was like really painting the blackest picture ever. And I’m just staring out the window because I couldn't imagine. I couldn't imagine letting go of it. I didn't have the capacity or that didn't know how I was going to… I felt ashamed. I felt helpless. I felt I was exhausted
Joe
Understandably so!
Emma
I didn't know how to talk about it. I didn't know how to explain what, why… because I didn't really know why. And so anyway, he said, I'm referring to psychiatrist. So that appointment date came through, which was in the August of that year. But before that we were taking our youth group to a Bible week, a Bible camp. So it was about I think it was for 8’s to 14’s. And I was with our group…
Joe
So like our Bible camps just a bit different.
Emma
Yes. So I was in with them. It was Jeremy and Anne Simpkins who were doing that...
Joe That's a quite a connection. That they have a connection to our church is just amazing how small the world is.
Emma
All week, in the worship, I had a picture in my head. All week, whenever, in any of the meetings, I could see Jesus looking at me, but I could not meet his eye really. And every time in worship, that's, that's in my mind's eye. That was what I saw. I couldn't lift my eyes to him, and then all the way through the week they're encouraging the kids to bring spiritual gifts and to share words. And they did and it was great. There were tons of them through the week that applied to me. Words about a bird in a cage who couldn’t open the door, someone with a habit they can’t break.
Joe
Pretty specific to your situation, isn’t it?
Emma
All the way through the week. And it wasn't until of course, the last night that I I said to someone, one of the other leaders, “I think I need to respond.” And I think they were probably going, “Yes, finally!” So I went forward and Anne Simpkins ended up being the one who prayed for me. And and so I explained, “I have anorexia.”
Joe
You finally named it.
Emma
Yeah, which I never would have done before.
Joe
Quite a big statement just to name it.
Emma
And so she looked at me and I thought, Oh, she’s going to pray for me. And she said, I can't remember her exact words but the gist of it is, “God created you, and you're destroying what God's created. And I think you need to repent of what you've been doing to your body.” So she prayed with me, and I repented. And she prayed for me that God would heal my mind.
Joe
So I’ll just stop you there. Some people listening might not even know what the word repent means. Can you just flesh out, what does that mean? What did that look like for you specifically in this call to repentance?
Emma
It means to turn a 180 away from the things that you're doing and turn towards Jesus. So turn in a different direction turn back to him. So that's a big thing to do. So I did that.
Joe
You spoke that out?
Emma
Yes, I spoke that out and asked God to forgive me. Which, I don't know, sometimes… I don't know if that's a suggested treatment.
Joe
But what we’re seeing is… we’re including a doctor, psychiatrist, and there's a spiritual component from the Christian worldview that is important as well.
Emma
And so I did that, she prayed for me to be healed, and I went down on the grass side of the tent. And I had a picture of Jesus and He was looking at me and I could meet his eyes and it was just…
Joe
That’s so powerful.
Emma
Yeah. So then there’s the next day. So you get up. And all week, it's been a nightmare for me because all the meals are communal. They have the school dinner service providing meals… it’s very hard to hide. Especially when you're with the 11 year olds, sitting with them. And so I had to make the decision to go and get some food. And so I did. And it was a process over the next weeks and months. The next week I went on holiday with my family and we were staying in the hotel with full course meals…and I ate. When I was prayed for it was just like that thought pattern was broken. Like the hold that that had on me was broken. So I could choose then to just eat normally. And I didn't eat like tons straight away…
Joe
But you started a new normal.
Emma
I started a new normal, and I started to eat again. But I was set free from that exhausting, relentless pattern that made me restrict what I ate. And then the guilt and the shame and the punishment and the restricting. And it broke that. And I can say I was healed.
Joe
It was a miracle. It was a mental miracle.
Emma
Yeah, absolutely. It was a miracle. And I'm really grateful to Jesus for that because it changed my life.
Joe It did change your life. Well Emma, it’s hard to believe our time is almost gone. So just a quick review. Just to say, for anyone listening today who might struggle with some of these different things, and it could be eating disorders, it could be issues of control that manifests itself and other harmful behaviours we've talked about. We can get help through our healthcare. So you can see a health care provider, you can see your medical doctor, you might be referred to a psychologist or psychiatrist and get help there. And then we also believe from a Christian point of view from our church that Jesus is concerned with every aspect of our lives. And we can see in the Bible, and we can see as people came to Jesus, Jesus brought healing in many different forms and ways. And he's still doing that today. So Emma, if you wouldn't mind, why don't you just lead us in a prayer. And maybe there's someone listening who might be in a similar situation you were in that you could just pray for them. Would you be able to do that for us? All right, thank you.
Emma
Yeah, Lord Jesus, I thank you so much, that you love us that you have created each one of us to be the person that you intended us to be. You made us to be in relationship with you, Lord, Jesus, and I thank you for that too. I pray for anyone who struggles with body image and eating, with their relationship with food. Lord, I thank you that you can break through all the tangle of emotions and thoughts that we have about ourselves and about food and that you can set us free. You have the power to set us free from the wrong ways of thinking, and the wrong ideas we have about ourselves or about you. I just pray that if anyone's listening and they're struggling with these things, Lord, I pray that you would break through all of the mess, all of the guilt or fear, that holds them captive. Lord, I pray that you breakthrough and you just set them free and set them free to live for You Lord Jesus. You are the only place we find our true identity, the only place we find forgiveness and rest… so I pray that you would bring rest to anyone who is listening who may struggle with these things. In Your name Jesus. Amen.
Joe
Emma Bicknell thank you so much for sharing with us. Well done with just being honest and sharing. I know that's not always easy. And so thank you and it gives hope. And again, for anyone listening, you can contact us through christcentral.ca on our website, on Facebook, and we'd love to be able to walk this out with other people… if we can help in any way and again, you can touch base with your healthcare provider. We just ask that if you struggle with any of these things reach out, talk to someone, get some help, be courageous and take that step as Emma did and we pray that God will break through. Alright, well, thank you for listening to our Christ Central Church Fredericton podcast. Thank you, Emma, and we look forward to our next guest next month.
